I'm reading a book called Boundaries, and it's very interesting. Basically, it helps clarify--from a biblical perspective--when you should step in and help people and when it is okay to say no.
In a nutshell, they say that when we are asked to help someone, most people guilt themselves into doing it because "it's the right thing to do," whether our heart is in it or not. Many of us do this for the approval, or because we feel selfish if we don't obey the Bible and help "bear one another's burdens" (Gal. 6:2). One of their points is that we are not being formed into God's image if our heart is not in it. But they also point out that we are not called to help everyone who calls with every problem, and that's where boundaries come in.
The book says that the Greek word for "burdens" refers to a boulder or something that is too big to carry on your own; something that is unusual. So if someone with a big problem that they can't handle themselves asks you to step in and help, well, that's what the body of Christ is for. This would include things like a death in the family, the loss of a job, etc.
However, God expects people to carry their own "knapsacks," the things that are just part of life that you need to handle yourself (Gal. 6:5). For example, we can't ask others to take it upon themselves to continually bear the burden of our ongoing emotional issues, we can't constantly ask for help with basic things at home like cleaning and child care, we can't expect someone to be continually validating us, etc. Those are things that are our responsibility.
So here is my question: what if there's a situation where someone is dealing with a series of big burdens and is asking for help, but because of the situation, these things are going to become part of their life? In other words, is this a series of boulders that we should help with every time they call, or is it a really heavy knapsack that they need to learn to carry themselves? And what if I throw in there that it's a situation where they're reaping what they sowed?
I am watching this happen between two people I know--Person A is being called upon to help Person B, who is constantly dealing with a particular issue, and Person A is becoming fatigued from helping. That makes me think, since God also made us stewards of ourselves, that Person A needs to back off the help a little bit, not only to take good care of themselves, but also to let Person B learn to deal with the situation that is going to just be part of their life from now on, and also to encourage Person B to find other sources of help. However, the crises Person B calls about really are big things, so does that mean that Person A should sacrifice to help, even up to their own breaking point?
Have I confused you? :)
Is this a boulder situation or a knapsack situation? I haven't finished the book yet, and it may be that I will run across their answer, but I am interested in your opinion, too. What do you think?
2 comments:
Excellent book! Did I recommend it to you? I've recommended it to several people in various counseling situations. As to your question, it's kind of difficult to distinguish without specifics. But I will say that self-care is extremely important. If a person is becoming weary from helping, then that would lead me to believe that the helping might not be the best situation, but again it's hard to say based on a vague hypothetical.
My therapist told me when there are situations like this...B needs the help of A, that A doesn't need to respond to all the "little" requests because when the big comes, A won't be worn out and will be a greater burden bearer and helper. Without knowing the situation it is really difficult to answer, but many times person B begins to look and attach to person A because it has become comfortable and the easiest way to deal with their situation. I have had to do this with my father or he would have me over there every day. I pray and ask God to give me the wisdom to know the times they really need help or when it is just a time when he needs a little attention and not a crisis.
That is a long answer but when Cheryl told me this, it freed me up and I wasn't so tired from the real need. Love the book Boundaries. I took the class at church cause I said no to everything.
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