Because God is Good ALL the Time

I know I haven't written in quite a while, but I have something to talk about today.  It's been percolating in my mind for a long time, but it hasn't made it into written form because, well, I just don't have a lot of extra time or energy for thinking these days. :)  But I think this is among the more important and, hopefully, edifying things I have to say, and it's also part of my story and part of my spiritual journey.

Last fall, when I had my big anatomy ultrasound during my pregnancy with Abigail, they found a potential problem.  It turns out that because of my three previous C-sections and the position of the placenta during this pregnancy (anterior and low), I was at high risk for a particular complication called placenta accreta.  This is where the placenta actually grows into the scar from the previous surgeries.  If it is mild and rather shallow, it might not cause any problems at all.  However, the ultrasound doctor told me it was possible that because it has the potential to cause more serious problems, as well (I later found out that in more serious cases, the placenta can grow through the scar, creating a danger of uterine rupture, and it can even grow into other organs, which would make for a very complicated surgery), what they'd do if I do had it was to admit me to the hospital at 35 weeks to watch me for any signs of things going wrong so they could just pop me right over to the OR and do surgery at the drop of a hat, if necessary.  Then she looked me in the eye and said, "Do you have someone to watch your kids if you need it?"

And that's when I knew that this was serious.  She actually asked me that question.  Which meant that it could actually happen.

I left that ultrasound appointment thinking I was okay, but by the time I got to my car, I was trembling.  I am a strong, reasonable person, but this affected me.  And the really stinky part was that they would not be able to confirm whether or not I had placenta accreta for eight weeks, which meant I had to go the next two months not knowing if my baby and I were in danger or not.

For the most part, I decided to try not to dwell on it.  What was the use?  Worrying would not help me one bit.  It would steal my joy.  But late one night, in a stunningly stupid move, I googled it.  I googled my potential health problem at 11:30pm when my husband was out of the country.  STUPID.  And y'all, let me tell you something.  You get one set of results when you google "placenta accreta."  You get an entirely different and much scarier set of results when you google "placenta accreta after three C-sections."  Stuff started popping up like "Placenta Accreta Survivors" and "maternal death rates."  WHAT???  I completely--completely--freaked out.  I was a complete wreck and wasn't able to go bed for the next two hours.  Then, the next morning, I got up and shakily went through my day.

Over the next two months, as I waited for that next ultrasound, I was tested.  I am not a natural worrier, so it was a new experience for me to be so incredibly worried.  And not just worried, but really upset.  Stunningly sad.  Confused, because I couldn't understand why God would pick us for this to happen to.  The reality of the fact that we live in a fallen world where "the rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous alike" was staring me in the face, and it was scary.

Most of the time, I was perfectly fine.  I functioned fine.  I went forward with my regular routine.  Certainly, my emotions were closer to the surface (especially at church; suddenly, there was always something said that would prick my spirit and seemed so poignant that I would choke down tears), but overall, I did not let it affect me when I was on the clock with my kids.  Life went on.  But when I laid down at night, my mind would run--sprint--to scenario-making.  Mostly, I thought about what it'd be like if my kids lost their mom.  Should I make each of my kids a video?  I ran an entire speech to each child through my head.  Should I set aside a piece of jewelry for my girls and arrange for someone to give it to them on their 16th birthdays?  Or would 18th be better?  What would Jane do and say when she received it?  Would she cry?  When they were brides, would my girls want to wear my wedding dress?  All these things made me so, so sad to think about.

And then I realized why I was so incredibly upset.  It was because of this:
If I died, then my kids and my husband would lose me, and that would be horribly sad, and it would scar them and cause repercussions throughout their lives, and that would be terrible.  But I would lose ALL of them.  For me, it would be as if they had all died.

And when I realized that, I finally understood why I was so sad.  Look; I am a Christian.  I have faith that when I pass away, I will go to heaven and be with God.  I know that I will have unspeakably more glorious experiences in the presence of the Creator of the universe than I will even being my kids' mother.  I know that a veil will be lifted and that I will finally know fully, just as I am fully known.  I know that death will be gain.  But I would still not get to be the one who raised my kids, who hugged them goodnight every day, who protected them and taught them, who loved them day in and day out for years and years.  And I realized that, for me, missing all of that was unthinkable.

And this led me to my second realization:
I am called to motherhood.  Now, I knew that before.  But not in the same way.  I didn't have the same stern certainty in my gut about it before.  I wasn't unshakeable in my calling.  But when I was in danger of having it taken away, let me tell you--there was nothing in this life that I was upset about giving up except raising my children.  And I knew that I knew that I knew that it is what I am *called* to do.  It goes beyond doing what seems right at the time or choosing to do what makes the most sense for our family.  It is beyond a choice.  It is a conviction.  It is a certainty.

And out of that rose a beauty in this period that I cherish.  I loved those kids even more.  I slowed down and learned to cherish them.  I laughed with Noah.  I took more time with Jane.  When I laid down with Clara at naptime, I marveled at the slope of her little chubby cheek and adored her curls.

When the eight weeks was up, Nathan and I went in for the ultrasound appointment, and the doctor at Texas Children's Hospital who is an expert in using ultrasound to diagnose this particular complication was there.  After doing some thorough checking, he told us that he saw no sign of placenta accreta.  From my research, I knew that I had over a 60% chance of having it, to one degree or another.  But I did not.

It is a testament to how stressed I had been that when I got that news, I did not feel relief or elation; I felt sleepy.  All I wanted was a nap.  I was surprised at this, but it makes sense--as much as I had tried to be sensible and normal, I had become worn out with worry and sadness.  And now I could finally relax.

When people who knew about the possible complications first asked me about the result of the ultrasound, my instinct was to say things like, "God is good" and "God is faithful."  But as soon as they came out of my mouth the first time, I sensed in my spirit that those were not the right words.  After thinking about it, I came to understand what I believe is the most important lesson I learned through this whole experience, and it is this:

God is good.  And God is faithful.  But his goodness and faithfulness have little to do with whether or not he 100% protects me from harm.  Goodness and faithfulness are part of his character, day in and day out; they have been part of him in the same immense degree since before time began, and they will be part of him through eternity.  Who am I, after all?  Although I am his treasured child and he wants the best for me, I am not that important.  Job was far more righteous and humble and faithful than I am, and God allowed him to be tested far more.  No, my circumstances do not reflect God's faithfulness and goodness.  If I had died, he would still be good.  He would still be faithful.

So what was the proper response?  I feel certain it is this: "I am grateful."  Because he does not have to preserve my life.  He does not have to let me raise my babies.  He does not have to bless us.  He doesn't even have to let me take my next breath.  But he has done all of this for me.

After I realized this, I changed the language of my response.  "I do not have any complications. I am so grateful!"  And I was.  Today, I have a six week old little girl, Abigail Marie.  She is perfect, and I am healthy.  And I am so grateful.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows."  James 1:17

Why Photography? The Days are Long, but the Years are Short.

Although my presence in this particular corner of the internet has waned lately, I think it's fairly clear that I've got a new hobby that's been absorbing me lately.  Someone asked me recently how and why I got into photography, and I thought I'd write about it a bit.

My interest in photography has everything to do with my children.  I hadn't been a mother for long before I experienced for the first time that mix of poignant love and fear that the moments in their precious lives and in our life together are so rich yet so fleeting.  That maybe you missed something; that perhaps there's something precious that you have forgotten.

I value this blog so much because it's our family record of a precious set of years when my oldest kids were very small.  There's no way I'd remember so many of these marvelous details if I had not written them down in detail (e.g. Noah loved hot tea as a toddler and asked for it every day; his expressions are the same and will probably never change, etc.).  And I've found that photography is very similar; that I can catch moments that I'd otherwise miss (I'd probably even forget to blog them or run out of time to do so).  Also, like writing, I can compose and edit a photo to reflect the feeling with that particular memory, or to show off/emphasize an aspect of that child or that event.

So that's why I began learning this new skill: it's all an effort to remember the little things that are so very delightful to look back on later.  And I'm enjoying it thoroughly!

Banff: Frozen Lake Ice Skating

"WHAT am I about to do?"

So I thought to myself.  Because ice skating is not my sport.

This beautiful lake freezes every winter, and the hotel clears part of it for the ice skating.

And they build this enchanting ice castle on the ice.  You can skate in and around it.

So we went skating one afternoon.  Nathan was much more of a natural than I was.

 Of course, I didn't get a shot the moment he fell. ;)

But, in his defense, the lake ice is not entirely smooth.

Another Lake Louise adventure.

Banff: Dog Sledding

The last time I posted about our anniversary trip to Banff was way back in early January, and the trip actually took place in December, so I think it's safe to say that I'm a bit behind on this thread!  In an attempt to catch up on these long belated posts (will I ever get to Christmas?), here's the next installment on Banff: Dog Sledding!

When we went to Lake Louise for our honeymoon, we hiked canyons and around the lake, we watched ice climbers on a frozen waterfall, we rode on a gondola up a mountain, and more.  But dog sledding was the thing we thought was the most fun.  It's a unique experience for Texans.  Plus, the dogs are just so darn cool. 

Ten years later, dog sledding was just as cool.  Or, more accurately, it was frigid.  I think the temperature was around -5F that morning, but the air is so dry in Banff that it really is not uncomfortable if you wear enough layers.  Well, okay, my fingers and toes got pretty darn cold after a while, but they warmed back up nicely.  It was worth being a little cold to enjoy such a fun excursion.  Nathan and I picked up these mufflers before our trip, and we were really thankful for them on a couple of occasions--I have to tell you, when you get into that sled behind the dogs and start moving at 15mph on a day when it's -5F and there's snow being kicked up in your face, well, although you may not be terribly uncomfortable, you do start to be grateful that the only part of your face that's exposed is your eyes.

The dogs are wonderfully sweet and full of personality.  Some of them are shy, some are wild and goofy, and all of them are eager to get on their way.

Definitely, part of the pleasure of dog sledding is getting to hang out with the dogs a little.

The dogs that run the sleds are bred and trained for it, and it is their life's love.  While they're waiting, they yip and pull and cry, and when they're being harnessed, the din escalates with their excitement.

Even though they can't go anywhere, they pull and strain, yip and holler.

And then, when the brake is loosed:

silence.

It's so interesting to see them run.  They dip their mouths and take bitefuls of snow to stay hydrated and cool off without missing a step.  Each member of the team has a clear job, based on their personalities, age & experience, etc.  They clearly love to run and are good at it.  They're the elite athletes of the dog world, bred for their sport rather than for looks.  This particular team of dogs runs long Alaskan races in winter when they're not tugging little tourists back and forth across the Continental Divide. 

Speaking of which...

We got out at the Great Divide and wandered a bit, taking some photos.  My face looks so cold in this one!  Like it was a strain to smile!  Ha!

On the way back, we were each allowed to drive alongside the owner for a while.  We'd stand on one runner while she stood on the other, agreeing to stomp on the brake if she fell off, and she'd do the same for us.  :) 

Check out the eyes on that puppy.

It was super fun, y'all, and Nathan and I would recommend it if you ever get the chance!

Banff and the Chateau Lake Louise

Well, folks, it's about time I give a recap of our tenth anniversary trip!  Most of you readers are probably people I know in real life, so you all likely already know that we went to Banff in December, which is also where we spent our honeymoon.  Since that first trip ten years ago, Nathan's had the opportunity to return and teach geology courses several times during the summers.  And, each time, I'd teasingly say, "Are you sure I can't go?  I'll carry your luggage!" Which is a tremendous joke, since, between him and me, if someone ends up carrying extra luggage, it's not me.  So every time he came home, he'd say, "I owe you a trip!" And, finally, it came: our return to Lake Louise.

This trip is the special reason I rented that fancy lens I mentioned a few posts ago, and I had a marvelous time using it.  I'm going to break up the story of our trip across a few posts so I don't overwhelm you with pictures.  And I took a lot--more than 400--so count your lucky stars I'm not going to post all of them!  

Seriously, though, the scenery is so unlike what I live in every day that its novelty adds to its beauty.  To me, not living in a cold climate currently or for most of my life, I am still surprised by how snow moves and collects and sounds and shines.  And because I'm still surprised by its beauty, its magical quality has not worn off for me.

We flew into Calgary, rented a car, and commenced our drive to Lake Louise.  Because the air is quite dry on this side of the Rockies, and because it is so cold and is not melting (getting wet) anytime soon, the snow is very powdery and does not stick.  One stretch along the highway was so interesting because the wind was blowing the snow across it in patterns I've only seen in sand, not snow.  It was wave-like and swirling and looked like dust.  Quite a sight to see.  This picture doesn't really convey it, because we'd already crossed the majority of the area where it happened.  But you can see a bit of what I'm saying from the patterns on the ground.

Along the way, Nathan was pointing out the geological structures around us.  There are lots of thrust faults and folds that are very visible in this area because the mountains are not necessarily covered in trees.  This is an example of a very clear fold.

This particular mountain was unusually jagged, I thought.  Like bad teeth. :)

After a four hour flight and a two hour drive, we were finally almost there!  Woo hoo!  One kilometer!

The first view of the hotel: The Chateau Lake Louise.

When we arrived, the valet who took our car had our names and sent us straight up to the seventh floor, which is where we were staying, promising our luggage in a few minutes.  The seventh floor has its own lounge, concierge, and so on, and it is wonderful.  It's a very relaxing and cozy place to spend some time.  There are several tables and comfy chairs, lots of antique books, a fireplace, and a great view of the lake.  And there's always food--really yummy food.  For example, when we arrived, these afternoon pastries were laid out.

There were pastries every day, and they were never the same.  They also served a marvelous breakfast and some impressive canapes before dinner.  And you can always go in and grab some hot tea, soda, coffee, water, and so on.  Everything is set out immaculately, from the pastries to the cream and sugar.  The convenience and comfort of the seventh floor lounge really is part of the Chateau that made our experience great both times we've been there.

Nathan is definitely a pastry lover.

And we both love our tea.

Such a nice place to wait for our room to be ready!

The whole hotel is decorated in such a way as to be very nice but not so fine that you're not comfortable.  It was wonderful.

Later, when we arrived in our room, we found a complimentary bottle of champagne and lots of chocolate for our anniversary, which was a very nice touch.  In fact, they made us feel very spoiled during our stay.  One night, at one of the hotel's restaurants, the waitress brought us another bottle of champagne and a small portion of duck confit, because the chef saw in our file that it was our anniversary.  Later, the chef came to our table to check in on us and listen to us compliment her on her food. :)

And the food at the Chateau is fabulous.  We ate really well while we were there.  They do a really nice job of reflecting their location and heritage, because there were many menu items in every restaurant that reflect either Canada (like the juniper crusted venison loin that Nathan had) or the Swiss alpine connection in the area's history (such as the Black Forest dessert we had at the Swiss fondue restaurant).

For example, pictured here is an antipasto plate which included smoked duck, wild boar pate, venison salami, and air-dried bison.

 We also ate guinea hen (I'll never look at the guinea hens that roam our neighborhood the same way again), bison loin, and an amazing elk dish, among many other interesting things.

And then we had a few fun cocktails, like this egg nog cocktail of Nathan's:

A view from one of our lunch spots.  I loved how the beautiful, huge windows all throughout the hotel frame the stunning outdoors in such a memorable way.

The Chateau had lots of other nice touches, too.

Such as this mail drop, which extends upwards through every floor.

And then there are the fun things they do outside, like clearing the snow on part of the lake so people can ice skate.  They even set out a raised fire pit so you can take a break and warm your hands without ever even leaving the ice.

And they even build an ice castle every year!  Yes, that's a life-sized ice castle.  You can walk or skate around and through it.  I took this picture with my zoom lens from our room one night.

Although nothing really beats the view during the daytime.

Such a beautiful place to spend an anniversary and go have an adventure together.

More on our adventurous activities in the next post....

A Couple of Birthdays

 A few more pictures from sweet Clara's birthday party:

Grandma and the birthday girl.

Our dining room, outfitted with a garland of photos from Clara's first year and snacks that went with the Peter Rabbit/garden theme.

When both the cakes you make fall to pieces, all you can do is throw some grapes on top and hope it looks pretty.

 

 

 Friends!

Sweet cake eater.  Oh, and that hair!

The best thing about Clara these days is that she is a great hugger.

 It's not the typical fleeting baby hug; she pulls you in tightly and holds on for a good five or ten seconds.  It's marvelous.

 Clarabelle is a delight.  We love her lots.

~

 A week later was my birthday.

The card Nathan gave me, referencing my two gifts, cracked me up!

 For dinner, we went to a nice restaurant, which is also a plant nursery (Tiny Boxwoods, for you Houstonians).

It was really nice that we had some family along.

Matthew,

Andrew,

and Emily.

Cute couple.

 I recommend the sangria.

It is wonderful, as you can see.

We were seated outside, at a picnic table.  I really like this restaurant, because the food is really nice and upscale, but the atmosphere is unfussy and relaxing.

Our group.

 We stayed a nice, long time and chatted until after dark.

And after we went home, we ended the night with--what else?--a board game.

 Happy birthdays, both!