*Update: Noah and I ended the day by sitting on the couch in the dark watching the rain and waiting for Daddy to get home while stuffing our faces with marshmallows. I think it made us both feel better. And to prove that he'll fall asleep if he can just be still: Noah fell asleep in his high chair during dinner, so we just transferred him to his bed. It was good for everyone last night. ;)
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Let me just preface what I'm about to write by saying two things:
1. The only reason I'm putting this up on the blog is for the sake of transparency and because maybe someone else is feeling like I am feeling today. And, okay, to get it off my chest.
2. Please don't judge my whole life by this post. I am usually a much more content person.
Today has been a hard day at our house. Noah and I both ended up in tears, which has never happened before. Really, the main issue is that for the past week, Noah has not taken a nap. The no nap thing really has the potential to break me, y'all. I really need that respite. And, just like any other mother of two small children, it's not like I sit around and put my feet up or spend two hours surfing the web or something; I'm running around doing the things that I cannot do with Noah around. Case in point: Bible study. Forget it when Noah is awake. He cannot stand that I am sitting at the table not engaged with whatever he's doing for 20 minutes. Another example: Today I got my yoga mat out and laid down to do a recorded 10-minute ab workout. I did not even get three minutes in before Jane was crying and Noah was crawling all over me. I can't sit down and make a grocery list, clean a room, cook a meal, vacuum the house, make a phone call, unpack a box, or do anything without interruption. Basically, anything I want to do uninterrupted has to happen either during naptime or while Noah is occupied by the TV (which I have allowed all too often over the last couple of months because I've been so busy with a new baby, the move, etc.). So to lose that precious two or three hours when he is sleeping really drives me to some serious frustration and exhaustion.
Also, I really am tired. Most of the time, I am too busy to let myself feel how tired I am, but really, it's always there. Part of that is because Jane still wakes up two or three times during the night, but a lot of it just has to do with daily life with two kids. Yesterday, when I was lying down with Noah on the couch and trying to help him get sleepy, I was the one dozing off.
If I were to tell you all the things that went wrong today, I would not only make myself frustrated again, but I'd also lose your sympathy because it'd look like I'm throwing myself a major pity party. So I'll spare both you and me and leave you with just a couple of other things that I need to get off my chest: 1.) Really, roofers? Did you have to come today and beat on my roof? I mean, it's pouring outside--aren't you afraid you're going to slide off? 2.) If I see another episode of Curious George or Berenstain Bears, I might lose it.
This is exactly the reason I must pray every day. Because I cannot get through this parenting thing successfully without some serious help from the Holy Spirit and some major grace. Thankfully, I have both.
But sometimes you just have to acknowledge that you need some help with skin on, too. My mom called today and I told her that Noah and I both ended up in tears, and she said I should have called her to come over, that raising two kids is hard, and that I have to schedule in some relief for myself now and then. It was good for me to hear that, because I am realizing that I have the tendency to be too independent. (Looking back, I also really needed help the month after Jane was born but didn't ask for it.) Part of the reason for my independence is that I feel like if I just dig deep, I am capable of doing the thing in question; that other people do much harder things, and who am I to complain about what's going on in my life for which I need help? And part of my independence is also that I don't want to bother people for help when, really, I can suck it up and make it work, even if everyone is in tears at the end of the day. I'm not trying to imply that independence is a bad thing, because overall, it's not. But having the sense to know when you need help and the humility to ask for it is important, too.
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There. I got it out. I do have to say I feel a little calmer and more composed about everything. I hope that it was not too much of a downer for you all to read this today, because life really is happy at our house most days, and usually I am very content to be at home with my two little ones, doing this motherhood job. Today was just a doozy.
7 comments:
Have you tried changing Noah's naptime? My son went to one nap early than most of the kids his age, but he kept the morning nap instead of the afternoon nap. Then around 20 months he wouldn't nap around noon, but he would nap around 3-4pm for several hours. If he fights the nap too much I tell him he has to lay down for 30 minutes, if he doesn't want to sleep he can just lay down and rest. He has no concept of time anyhow, so he generally falls asleep after a bit. He's 29 months now.
A friend of mine's son stopped napping all together at 2, but she started "quiet time" where he could take two toys to bed with him, but he had to stay there for 30 minutes or an hour while she got some peace.
I don't know if you were looking for advice or just to know that we've all been there ... but we've all been there. I'll be there with two in less than 6 weeks, so I'm sure I'll be looking for advice soon enough :)
I so hear what you are saying. I went through a total mourning phase when Will quit napping. I tried to hold on to the nap as long as I could. It was harder for me to let the nap go than it was for him. He still does "rest time" in the afternoon while Luke naps, but it will just never be the same as when the both napped. Luke has started toying with the idea of giving up his nap too, I am so not ready for that.
I have learned that I have to be up and have "my" time before the boys get up for the day. I was just telling Jared that it's really the only time of the day that I feel like I have any sanity. And lately when the alarm goes off in the morning I think "once I get out of bed I'm going to be going all day long until my head hits this pillow again."
You don't sound un-content at all, just honest. You are so right, that's why we have to pray every day and pray for each other!
I'm with you. No nap is absolutely dreadful, and it's the same way with me. I cannot accomplish anything while the kids are awake. Even laundry gets unfolded by my sweet Joseph. My advice is to see if you can get Noah into a Mother's day out program, even one day each week. It's amazing what you can get done in a few hours of quiet. Maybe even have lunch with a friend. Hang in there. I can't say that it gets better, b/c at almost 12 months, nothing has changed for me except that I am used to my "new normal." Much love.
Three words for you - mother's day out. It's wonderful. Jackson went in and out of napping before basically dropping it. Don't give up! He probably only sleeps once a week, but we still do rest time at age 4.5.
Hey Lauren, nice meeting you at Bible study on Tuesday. I can say that I had a very similar day in that it was difficult to be content... I don't have kids and the naptime struggle.. but with a full time job .. I find it hard to many of the necessary household chores. I even had a breakdown at my desk at work at cry moment yesterday... Sometimes though.. I think those moments just refresh us.. maybe even "weeping forward"? :)
Hang in there! I hope the rest of the week goes better. I spend 3 hours with my nephews and am exhausted, so I can't even imagine. But I agree with your mom -- give yourself some nice breaks and take advantage of having family nearby!
Totally there with you on the nap thing. It truly is the ONLY time I get to myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's just a season...and showering is optional ;)
Great to meet you the other night!
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